DAILY BLOG

---except I don't get round to it every day!

Everyone seems to have a "blog" - Samantha does one almost every day. (You can get to it from the "LINKS - OUR SITES" page). But why? Is anybody really interested? Well, you may not be interested in mine, but it is a good way for me to let off steam after being a victim of some of the idiots that surround us - from dopey individuals to massive business empires. It is also a way to share the good things that get me excited.

The picture shows Bethany and Eloise with famous actress CATHY TYSON on 23rd August 2007.

The entries are in a scrolling text box, with the newest items first. Read on.....

Tuesday 1st July 2008 - BACK IN BUSINESS

I've been away from home for a few days. On Friday 20th June I headed to Liverpool for the Tricentenary weekend at the Liverpool Blue Coat School, organised by the Brotherly Society. It was fantastic, see their website to read about it. I arrived back in Dewsbury late on Sunday night, and the next morning we all headed off to Donna's Dream House in Blackpool, where I helped "Uncle Len" to install a PayPal donation page on their website. Why not take a look and make a donation? It was a superb week, and Samantha's dad joined us for the last two days. We got back to Dewsbury on the Sunday night and have just caught up with a total of over 130 e-mails received between us. So now it's back to normal.......

Tuesday 27th May 2008 - "KEY SERA SERA!"

When you buy a Ford car, it comes supplied with a red "master" key, and two black "chipped" keys. The red one is not supposed to be used to drive the car - it contains the codes to make duplicate keys. So, we lost one of the black keys, and spent the last few months trying to remember to leave the surviving one for each other to drive the car. We finally got round to attempting to replace the lost key, so I went to Bramhall's, the Ford dealer on Bradford Road, Dewsbury. There were five members of staff chatting behind the desk, ignoring me. Finally one of them noticed me and asked what I wanted. I told him I wanted a duplicate key, to which he grunted "You want servicing then!" and pointed to a bell push mounted about a yard further down the desk. I pressed it and the SAME BLOKE walked down a few feet and said "Yes?". Unbelievable! I asked him how much a key would cost and he said "£22.50." I handed him the red key. He gave the classic "sharp intake of breath", and asked for the two black keys. I explained that we only had one. He shook his head, looking at me as if I was a total idiot and said "Well, we can't do it then!".

"So, how do I replace my missing key?" I asked. He told me the car would have to be booked in to be re-programmed and a new red key and two black ones made for £102.00!!!!!! There is no option apparently. The Ford key-cutting equipment only works with a red key and two black ones stuck in it!

Yes, Ford have seen all the gullible motorists coming. £102 for a key to a car that's only worth about £800. My advice to anyone thinking of changing their car is DON'T BUY A FORD!

Tuesday 13th May 2008 - WIPING THE SMIRK OFF A COWBOY CAR DEALER'S FACE

If you have been following the story of how Excel Car Sales (also known as Clayton or Scooter's) ripped us off by selling a dangerous car, you will be pleased to know that today, in Dewsbury County Court, JUSTICE WAS DONE! Desperately trying to get back the cars seized by the bailiff to pay us, Chris Christoforou arrived at Court with a confident smirk on his face, and made some smug comments to us in the waiting room. But the judge saw through his lies and told him plainly, "You have... lost!" The full story is on another website that I have set up to warn people about him, and shows you how to sue anyone who has ripped you off. Please take a look and tell all your friends. Click here: excelcarsales.webeden.co.uk

Wednesday 7th May 2008 - SHEDDING A FEW POUNDS

The shed and the few pounds are not connected in any way. First, I'll tell you about the few pounds (£104.97 to be precise). Having acquired a laptop, my next groundbreaking technological challenge was to buy and set up a wireless router. Temporarily forgotting the exploding microwave (25th September 2007) I went to Curry's last Saturday. The "expert" staff flogged me a router which would be "simple" to set up and compatible with AOL Broadband. They also flogged me a USB mouse and a carrying case for the laptop. There were no printed instructions for the router, just a disk, which informed me that I had to connect a yellow cable. There were four cables supplied, but none were yellow. It wouldn't let me proceed past this point, in spite of five hours of effort on my part. Then I tried the USB mouse. After five minutes the right-click stopped working.

So, on Tuesday morning I took them back. Waving the blue wire at me, the "expert" told me that "obviously it's this one, isn't it?" I asked for a cash refund, to be told "It's a bit early - we won't have that much in the till yet!" But, to his disappointment, they did. He handed me £105.00 in notes and asked if I had the 3p change. I didn't. As I left, he informed me, "You owe us 3p next time you come in here, OK?" As I had Eloise with me, I couldn't tell him what I was really thinking, and as for "next time" - he's going to have a very long wait!

I went to PC World in Wakefield, got a router (which works and had a yellow wire!) and a cordless mouse and carrying case, all for only £102.97. The man in PC World informed me that the router I had bought from Curry's would never have worked - it was not compatible with AOL Broadband!

So now to the shed - I cleared the ground nearly a year ago (see 21st August 2007 below), the shed was delivered in March, but bad weather had prevented me from assembling it until this week when summer suddenly arrived. Normally these self-assembly jobs can be frustrating, especially in equatorial temperatures but - surprise, surprise - in less than two days the thing was up! The instructions were concise and clear, there were no bits missing and I managed to avoid breaking, bending or losing any pieces! Tomorrow I will put the roofing felt on, then we can have an opening ceremony.

Bethany and Eloise loved it, so much in fact that we had a picnic tea in it, whilst watching Peppa Pig on the laptop in Polish (truly, I kid you not - click HERE ).

Thursday 1st May 2008 - EXCEL MOTORS

If you haven't been following the saga of a cowboy car dealer from Birstall and how they sell duff (and dangerous!) cars, refuse to reimburse and ignore Court orders, click HERE to see my special website. There is a very interesting twist as the bailiff has now seized some cars from them to auction and get our money back, and that of another lady. If you know anybody thinking of buying a used car, tell them to look at the website and steer clear of the cowboys!

Friday 11th April 2008 - SAVE THE ARK!

Unbelievable but true! Kirklees Council are trying to close down the Wesley Playhouse, a Christian play gym in Howden Clough Methodist Church, because a couple of local residents don't like cars parking on the public road outside their houses. But you can help. Look at the "SAVE THE ARK" page of this website to read all about it and see what you can do.

Tuesday 1st April 2008 - APRIL FOOLS!

Most of us have travelled on a plane. It's very simple. You report to a robotic clerk whose vocabulary is limited to "Good morning, sir!" and tell her you have arrived. You then place your suitcase on a conveyor belt and it is dropped into a large container behind the scenes. Then a monkey in a boiler suit pulls the container on a little truck to the plane parked outside and loads the suitcases into the hold. Simple! Nothing could possibly go wrong! Except at Heathrow Terminal 5 the monkeys are too slow and the planes keep taking off before the monkeys can figure out how to put the suitcases inside them! In three or four days over TWENTY-EIGHT THOUSAND suitcases missed their planes, and the mountain is growing daily in spite of 50 flights a day being cancelled. Now they are taking the suitcases by road to MILAN! Why Milan? Maybe they have a more intelligent breed of monkey there.

The time has obviously come to close this embarrassment down until the monkeys can be trained properly!

Monday 31st March 2008 - HEATHROW TERMINAL 5

After spending millions of pounds of our money, the embarrassment that is called "Terminal 5" is proving terminal in the true sense of the word! Is British enterprise and business really so completely thick that nearly half of the flights have been cancelled and tons of luggage lost? Out of 16 lifts in the complex, 15 broke down on the first day. But we can expect more of this. My five-year-old daughter can already read better than most school-leavers, who will be the British enterprise of the future! Maybe it's time to emigrate!

Saturday 22nd March 2008 - WHEN IS A CHURCH NOT A CHURCH?

Kirklees Metropolitan Council think they know the answer - although it's not the answer they gave the officials at Howden Clough Methodist Church when they sought advice a couple of years ago. Howden Clough Methodist Church installed some play equipment in the part of the building that originally contained pews and an organ. With the exception of the lady in charge, who gets paid an allowance, all the "staff" of the Wesley Playhouse are volunteer members of the Church. Kirklees originally told them this did not constitute a "change of use" and that they did not need planning permission. Now (possibly due to complaints from neighbours who don't like a few cars parked on the public highway near their houses - or possibly sour grapes on the part of a play-gym a few miles away) Kirklees have decided that it IS a "change of use", and ordered them to apply for planning permission which could be refused, resulting in closure. But it is still a Church. Sunday services and other activities take place in the building.

One point worth pondering - many other churches hire out rooms to other organisations, should they all be ordered to apply for "change of use"?

This venture has saved the Church from closure, presented the Gospel to outsiders, and prevented the building from being vacated and becoming a haven for the local druggies and vandals. It is doing no harm to anyone, but it seems some spoilsports don't like to see a successful initiative.

Thursday 28th February 2008 - JUSTICE AT LAST????

We got a letter today from Dewsbury County Court. The bailiffs have finally got onto the premises of Excel Car Sales and levied goods to be sold at auction to pay us what is owed. Keep following the story on www.excelcarsales.webeden.co.uk

Thursday 21st February 2008 - OUT OF THE ARK!

I found a superb establishment today, and took Eloise along with Auntie Heather and Olivia. (Sam was in London and Bethany at school). It's the WESLEY PLAYHOUSE in Howden Clough Methodist Church. This is the place to take your kids. Look at the WESLEY PLAYHOUSE page of this website and you'll see what I mean!

Sunday 10th February 2008 - IT'S SUMMER!

Only EIGHT DAYS after a fall of snow, the temperature reached 63 degrees! It was a gloriously hot sunny day, beaches were crowded and we took the kids for a picnic in the park. Maybe there is something to be said for global warming!

Saturday 2nd February 2008 - SNOW!

After a few days when the whole country was covered in snow, people were being rescued from their cars, widespread power failures affected large areas and a ship was washed up on Blackpool beach, the only damage we suffered was the destruction of a toy gazebo in the back garden by a freak gust of wind. But this morning we woke to a covering of snow. The girls were excited, so I promised them we would build snowmen after taking Bethany for her three-weekly injection. But by the time we returned from the hospital it had all melted!

I may be wrong here, but have you noticed that we never have decent prolonged snowfalls since Labour got into power? We may say nasty things about Mrs Thatcher, but at least we had decent winter weather under the Conservatives!

Thursday 10th January 2008 - THE BALIFFS CALL

We got a letter from the Court stating that the baliffs had visited Excel Car Sales to recover our money, but "could not contact the debtor." Knowing the cowardly cowboy "Chris", he was probably hiding in the loo! Look at www.excelcarsales.webeden.co.uk to see the full story.

Saturday 22nd December 2007 - A WET AFTERNOON IN ROTHERHAM

After spending most of the week suffering from a particularly virulant form of "man-flu" I was finally well enough to start my Christmas shopping. As I was dropping my son off in Rotherham, and had three hours to wait I decided to explore the town centre in the rain. I should have been warned by the sight of fully-laden X78 buses leaving the interchange bound for Sheffield every seven minutes - people were baling out by the hundreds! Most of the shops in the town centre were boarded up, barricaded off or even burned down. After an hour, I had explored the whole town and not found a single item suitable to buy as a Christmas gift for anyone! Rotherham Council had erected a "skating rink" in the middle of the square opposite the 20p-a-time public toilets. It wasn't real ice, just a load of large white plastic tiles, covered in grease and placed on a slope! I watched as people entered, promptly fell over and slid to the bottom of the hill. A nearby tent was full of dozens of injured people receiving first aid. It reminded me of the Red Cross tents in films about the First World War!

There were a few people around, obviously on similar missions to mine - but I never saw a single person smile the whole time I was there. I have some advice for anyone thinking of going to Rotherham.... DON'T!

Saturday 8th December 2007 - GETTING SWITCHED ON

Our annual Christmas "bash" took place on a cold blustery night in the street outside our house. So many people gave generously of their time and money as we switched on over 5000 lights on the front of our house and a home-made bridge across the gap to the house next door. Arriva lent us a bus in which the buffet was served and Heather Green painted children's faces. We had a tombola, lucky dip, "guess the name of the moose", Santa in his grotto (our hallway!) and lots more. Jane McHale from the Sick Children's Trust pressed the switch, and local Councillor Masood Ahmed made a speech!

We are so grateful to all who helped or took part - the total raised for the Sick Children's Trust passed the £700 mark and is still rising. If you can spare a few pounds, please look at the special website at www.christmasinthornhill.webeden.co.uk You can also see pictures and a video of the event.

Thursday 29th November 2007 - MY BOOK IS PUBLISHED!

Yes, it really has! "Return to the Blue Coat" - the story of my school days is now commercially available. My old English teacher, Alan Gleave, thought it was so good, he has written the final chapter. Order your copy for £7.99 (+p&p) from www.bluecoatbrotherlysociety.webeden.co.uk

Wednesday 28th November 2007 - HERE COMES CHRISTMAS!

It was the evening of the spectacular switch-on of Dewsbury's Christmas lights, so we went along. As we stepped out of the car it started to rain, but the girls enjoyed the fair and both acquired flashing wands and rabbit-ear headbands. There was a superb firework display and a short speech by somebody who told us the Carol Service would take place in the Dewsbury Minster at 6.00 pm (as advertised on the Kirklees Council website). As it was now 5.40 pm, we skipped tea and grabbed a snack then dripped our way into the Church. Our suspicions were first aroused when we noticed the programme had "28th December" on it! 6 o'clock came and went, but nothing happened. At 6.15 we collared a young man who seemed to be organising things and asked when they were starting. "Seven o'clock!" he replied. We left, both girls bitterly disappointed. After walking back to the car, we drove past the Minster at 6.32 pm and could see, through the large windows, that it had actually started!

Never mind, I wouldn't trust any Church service where the opening "hymn" was written by Elton John!

Monday 5th November 2007 - FIREWORKS AND FAME.

We returned yesterday from another stay at Donna's Dream House in Blackpool. (Click the red star above to see the musical montage). We were specially invited back to film for "Spotlight", the Regional BBC TV News for the South-West of England. Some people in Cornwall are thinking of setting up a similar venture down there, so the BBC came to interview Bethany. It was screened tonight, just in time for us to watch it on Sky before setting off some fireworks in the back garden.

Monday 29th October 2007 - 57 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS!

...and even less to the grand switch-on of our Christmas lights in a great charity event on Saturday 8th December. (Click the Christmas tree above to read about it). Part of my ambitious plans for this year involve building an illuminated bridge across the five-metre gap between our house and the one next door. My son Thomas' employer kindly donated the timber - I have painted it and cleared out some space in the side passage to start wiring up more than 5000 lights. Tomorrow I start climbing ladders and building the thing. The long spell of calm and dry weather is bound to end about half an hour after I start!

Monday 22nd October 2007 - DONNA'S DREAM HOUSE

Donna's Dream House is in Chapel Street, Blackpool. (Click the picture in the top right corner of this page to see their website). It is a charity providing free holidays to children with life-threatening illnesses, and they invited us to take Bethany for a four-day stay. In spite of it being the last week of October, it was actually warm enough to sunbathe on the beach! Bethany and Eloise loved the fairground, tramcars, horse & carriage ride, zoo, model village, sea life centre, waxworks and the famous illuminations. But I could never describe it all as well as the VIDEO MONTAGE. (Click the picture of Blackpool Tower at the top of this page to see it!)

Thursday 27th September 2007 - CURRYING FAVOUR!

Armed with the remains of the microwave, we made a family outing to our local branch of Curry's, ready for a lively debate about the Trades Descriptions Act, and I had practised a word-perfect rendition of our rights as consumers. It was a huge anti-climax to be greeted by friendly, helpful staff who apologised profusely, handed us a brand-new microwave oven, and even carried it out to the car for us! They even gave us a new guarantee starting again today! However, our faith in the uselessness of of local traders has been renewed. Dewsbury County Court have granted us a Warrant of Execution, enabling bailiffs to visit the premises of Excel Motor Sales in Birstall to seize the cash they owe us. If you are not familiar with this saga, visit www.excelcarsales.webeden.co.uk - it makes interesting reading!

Tuesday 25th September 2007 - EXPLOSION!

Every Tuesday, after school, Samantha takes the girls to the "Miss Mary School of Dance" - an excellent institution which actually trades under the name of "Claire's". They normally meet in a dance studio above the offices of Dewsbury railway station, and the girls love popping down to the platform to watch the hoardes of office workers from Leeds emerge from the crowded trains and scuttle away to retrieve their cars from the residential side streets nearby, whilst the highly expensive station car park stands empty! Anyway, today's meeting was being held in an alternative venue (the Church of the Nazarene) because some low-life had nicked the lead from the studio roof the night before a torrential rainstorm brought all the ceilings down. This meant no trainspotting, and a slightly earlier return home to the culinary delights which I was preparing. ("Oh, no - Daddy's making the tea! Can we go to McDonalds?")

Using my amazing skills in the kitchen, I inserted the boxes of micro-chips into our gleaming stainless steel microwave, purchased only ten weeks ago to replace the previous one which had exploded. Setting the timer to the requisite 3 minutes and 40 seconds, I pressed the stainless steel "go" button. Ten seconds later a loud "beep beep beep" told me the chips were ready. Suspiciously I opened the door to find they were still frozen solid. Undaunted, I reset the timer and pressed "go" again.

Noticing Samantha unloading the girls from the car outside, I started pouring her mandatory cup of tea, and the microwave duly "beep beep beeped". This time the chips were perfectly cooked. I removed them and closed the door. My hand had just left the highly conductive stainless steel microwave door when a blinding flash and shower of blue sparks emerged to an accompanying "BOOM!" This tripped the circuits and set off the burglar alarm. Through the window I noticed our two cats leaving the premises at speed, whilst Lassie - our dog - shook her head in despair.

This meant that every clock and timer device in the house needed re-setting and the computer needed re-booting. (Unlike the last time this happened, I had fortunately remembered to click "save" this time!)

Luckilly the microwave was covered by the guarantee, so it will be replaced, but not with the same model. It's been "discontinued". I wonder why?

Meanwhile, anyone for salad?

Wednesday 12th September 2007 - DRUGGIES IN ASDA (Warning - this item contains strong asterixes!)

The sun was shining, the birds were singing and I was in the cafe at Dewsbury's Asda superstore with Samantha and the girls enjoying lunch. I took Bethany out to the car to offload the shopping we had already bought before returning to the store to buy more. We stepped out of the revolving door and there they were - three gaunt, vacant-eyed, heavily tattooed skeletons! Their clothes were falling to pieces but they were arguing over the rival qualities of two highly-expensive (probably stolen) IPOD thingummies in their possession. One told another that "mine is f***ing better than that f***ing sh*tty pile of cr*ap, you f***ing w***er!" The second told the first that he was a "f***ing kn*bhead," and to "shut the f**k up or I'll f***ing stab yer, ya b****rd!" Bethany was fascinated by these new words, especially as the third pointed out that "we'd better f***ing go in - the f***ing woman said ten f***ing minutes!" The penny dropped - they had come for their daily free methadone at the in-house pharmacy. Now I made a mistake. Leading Bethany as fast as possible (while trying to look cool and leisurely) I entered the revolving door. So did they! As one of them staggered into the glass, the safety device came into play and the door stopped, trapping the five of us in a one-metre triangular glass prison. Shoving the door does not work, as they soon discovered. One of them worked out that "the f***ing baldy c*nt in front has f***ing bust it!" Luckily, it moved enough for us to escape.

I complained to the duty manager. It seems that Asda have a policy of welcoming everyone - no one is excluded! These druggies have their rights, you know. They have taken large quantities of illegal drugs, destroyed their health and sanity, cannot work as a result, and so live at the expense of taxpayers like myself, and have a right to inflict their gutter-language on any innocent citizen who crosses their path. However, do I have a right to take my four-year-old daughter shopping in peace on a Wednesday morning? Not in Asda, apparently. The manager promised that Asda would write to me about it "very soon". When the letter arrives (IF it arrives) I will share it on this page.

Meanwhile, I know that the Batley branch of TESCO does not have an in-house methadone shop. I will go there in future and advise you to do the same.

Sunday 9th September 2007 - A "RALLY" GOOD TIME!

The Merseyside Transport Trust held their second annual Running Day on the streets of Liverpool, in particular the old services 4 & 5 from Woolton. As kids, my brother John and I used to hang around the terminus on Hunts Cross Avenue attempting to befriend the drivers and ride to town and back. I commuted to the Blue Coat School on the number 4 and always dreamed of being able to drive on this service. When I became a driver for Merseyside Transport in 1983 I was posted to Green Lane depot and never achieved this ambition. Shortly after the de-regulation of the bus industry in 1986, the 4 & 5 were axed.

But today, my dream finally came true! I drove Leyland Atlantean 1111 on the 4. I paused outside the Blue Coat School for photographs and John travelled with me from the Pier Head to Woolton. A great day was had by all. People travelled from all over the country to ride on these historic vehicles.

See the MTT Running Day page of this website for more.

Friday 24th August 2007 – TOYS ‘R’ DEFECTIVE

One of those days when the big stores show their contempt for the peasants whose pennies make them rich. Samantha returned from our local ASDA with some bags of popcorn, which the girls love. As they eagerly devoured the stuff, I pinched a handful and stuffed it in my mouth. Instead of the delicious “crunch”, I got a sort of sticky “squelch.” Trying to keep smiling as I swallowed it, I looked at the packet. “Use by 28th July 2007!” The girls were disappointed as I confiscated the remainder of their treat. (“Why, Daddy? What did we do wrong?”)

Then Samantha took the girls to TOYS ‘R’ US in Birstall to spend the contents of their piggy banks. Bethany achieved her life’s ambition of owning a Baby Annabelle doll. She nearly burst with excitement as I unwrapped about fifty pieces of wire, laboriously applied by six-year-old slaves in a third world sweat shop to keep the thing in its box. I inserted the batteries, switched it on and placed the dummy in its mouth. At this point, the instruction manual assured us, it would make sucking noises, the mouth would move and the eyes would open and close. It made a grunt, followed by a buzzing noise and nothing moved. For the second time in a day we saw the bitter disappointment as we prised it from her arms and put it back in the box.

After the children went to bed, Samantha made the eight-mile trip to Birstall where an unsympathetic assistant grudgingly exchanged it. Not willing to take a chance, Samantha tried it out in the shop. This one was exactly the same! However, the third one worked. After their refusal to offer any token of “goodwill” to compensate us for this harrowing ordeal, Samantha left the assistant surrounded by cardboard, pieces of wire and Baby Annabelles and headed to Asda.

The staff there were suitably apologetic and bribed Samantha not to go to the Trading Standards office with a £5 gift voucher.

Samantha is now trying out the Baby Annabelle before Bethany sees it. It is quite impressive, but won’t eat the popcorn!

Thursday 23rd August 2007 – I MET CATHY TYSON!

Cathy Tyson is a famous actress, and now stars in Emmerdale and Grange Hill. She grew up in the Dingle area of Liverpool. We went to the garden party at Eckersley House (the Sick Children’s Trust Home from Home at St James’ Hospital Leeds), and there she was! She actually spoke to me! (“Get out of my way!”) She posed for photographs with Bethany and Eloise, so I squeezed in and managed to get a few words with her. She was really nice, and very good with the children. To make the day complete, I won a hand-knitted doll on the tombola! It doesn’t get better than this!

Tuesday 21st August 2007 – SKIPPING ALONG

To my bitter disappointment, the skip we had ordered was delivered on time. I had no option but to fill the thing! I spent the next six hours covered in mud and perspiration, trying to discover the ground beneath a pile of junk in the corner of the back garden, where the proposed shed is to be erected. Having shifted a couple of tons of wood, and mud, several whole trees, a water butt, a pram and an old bath (considerately left for us by the previous occupier), I decided to mow the lawn. Having unwrapped the cable from the mower, I looked round to find I had dropped the plug into the dog’s water bowl. Realising that electrocution would accompany any attempt to plug it in, I had to get a screwdriver, take it apart and dry all the pieces with my handkerchief! Having successfully cut the grass, I dragged my aching skeleton to the bathroom, scraped the layers of dirt off in the shower, and reappeared looking almost decent, ready to depart to a Church meeting. I’m getting too old for all this physical work!

Sunday 19th August 2007 – TERRIBLE TRENTHAM

It was the “Hugs & Hopes” day for families of children with liver problems around the UK. A picnic was planned in a central part of England. This turned out to be Trentham Gardens near Stoke on Trent. Although we had a great time with lots of wonderful people, the venue was a pile of cr*p!

We set off in plenty of time and were due to leave the M6 at junction 15. We passed junction 16 over half an hour ahead of schedule and feeling very optimistic, then it just had to happen! Mr “I’m-not-going-to-drive-slower-just-because-it’s-raining-cats-and-dogs” did not notice the brake lights of the car in front (about six inches in front!) through the heavy spray and near-dark conditions and kept his foot on the gas. Having bent a couple of bumpers and broke some indicator lenses, this very minor shunt caused the whole of central England to become gridlocked. As we sat for an hour on the same spot, the intensity of the rain was equalled only by our offsprings’ requests to get out, eat, drink, go to the toilet or vomit, and the matrix sign in front of us suggested we slow down to 40 mph as there was an “accident ahead”!

Finally arriving half an hour late, we discovered the “Trentham Estate” to be devoid of any meaningful signposts. A mobile phone call from the others told us to head for the Italian Gardens. We stopped an employee (probably called Malcolm and earning the minimum legal wage, having just scored straight A’s in the constantly easier GCSE exams) and asked him the way to the Italian Gardens. He had obviously not been presented with such a difficult situation in his life! Revolving at speed, and managing to point in five directions simultaneously, he struggled to communicate the message that he didn’t know. He suggested we drive to another car park. There we met someone whose brain cell was switched on, who told us that Malcolm had actually been standing about a metre from the Italian Gardens.

We drove back. I looked around for Malcolm, with a view to planting him in the Italian Gardens, but he had disappeared. Maybe he had been a mirage!

Now, if you want somewhere nice to go for a day out, Trentham Gardens is definitely not it! We failed to discover any flowers, just a wooden shopping arcade where drivers of 4x4s roam around with their families buying three-inch teddy bears with key rings on their heads at £6.99 a time, and cups of tea at £2.40. A small bag of sweets each for four children set Samantha back around £14.00! The fairground was closed due to the rain, but the children hid their disappointment by wading knee-deep in the puddles near a tent where a disheartened-looking bloke in a greasy apron was attempting to sell German sausages to a non-existent crowd by playing very loud yodelling music over a loudspeaker.

Two hours later, we squelched our way back to the car, vowing that wherever the next Hugs & Hopes day takes place, it will not be Trentham Gardens!

Saturday 11th August 2007 – JOYEAUX ANNIVERSAIRE!

We went to Sandbach! We spent the afternoon in a field playing games at Josh Griffin’s 7th birthday party. Josh’s parents, Ben and Liz, are great friends of ours, but left Dewsbury last summer. In nine days time they are moving again – to France. Bon voyage!

Wednesday 8th August 2007 – BACK TO SCHOOL

I spent the day at the Liverpool Blue Coat School, with a couple of other Brotherly Society members, showing Albert Blundell around the school. This 92-year-old gentleman had boarded there from 1923 until 1928 and had not seen the place since moving to Blackpool before the war! Afterwards we took him, and some of his family, to the Richmond Tavern for lunch. This establishment is built on the site of the Prince Alfred Road bus depot, where I worked in the office from 1981 until 1983. A nostalgic and worthwhile day, but I have now disappeared twice in four days leaving Samantha with the kids, and no car. Am I evil, or what?

Saturday 4th August 2007 – A BUSMAN’S HOLIDAY

By 6.30 am I was cruising down the M62 on my way to Burscough, home of the Merseyside Transport Trust. Ten preserved buses headed in convoy from the hangars to the Woodvale Rally, near Southport. I drove L835 (FKF 835E) a Leyland Atlantean, new to Liverpool Corporation in 1965. Having been off the road since 1990 it had passed its MOT test a few days before and was making its debut, carrying its first passengers for decades on the car park shuttle. I also had a go at six other Atlanteans and an AEC Regent. Check the Woodvale Rally page of this website to find out more.

Thursday 2nd August 2007 – FOUR AND A HALF MONTHS TO CHRISTMAS

As promised, Manor Garage fixed the car – we are now ready for when it snows!

Wednesday 1st August 2007 – STAFF AND NONSENSE

Having swapped rest days with a colleague so I could go to Jessica’s party three days previously, I had to work. Normally I leave the car with Samantha, travel to work on the bus and get a lift home in the early hours by the staff bus (locally known as the “Paddy”). Today I was scuppered – I was driving the staff bus! After grovelling to Samantha all day, she graciously allowed me to take the car to work so I could get home in the early hours.

Tuesday 31st July 2007 – THE MAD GOLFBALL THROWER OF BRIDLINGTON

Our friends, Dorothy and Ken, were on holiday in Bridlington with their grand-daughter Allanna, and the weather was hot, so we went to see them. They treated us to a fantastic meal at the restaurant on the Fir Tree caravan site, near Sewerby. I chose the gammon and chips, but it was not just served – it was presented! It was the best meal I had eaten in weeks, and – for only six quid – there was a much as I could manage, and I can manage quite a lot!

Then we spent the afternoon on the beach with the kids, proving that the result of King Canute’s experiment is still valid as we kept moving the tent and all our gear up a rapidly shrinking beach.

We then set off to walk the length of the promenade to the fairground. Suddenly a hard missile hit the back of my left ankle with tremendous force, almost precipitating me over the sea wall. Looking round I could see no malicious gang of yobs as expected, just a golf ball ricocheting off walls and lamp posts. Then he appeared – Mr Recently Retired Twit smiling smugly at those around him, closely followed by Mrs Recently Retired Twit. It was the hottest day of the year, but Mr Twit did not have the intelligence to notice this and had a thick crew-neck sweater on! He then proved how clever he was by asking for his golf ball back! Yes, this moronic “considerably-richer-than-you” idiot, having spent his retirement lump sum on a caravan, now realised that his imagination did not stretch as far as working out how to enjoy the seaside and had settled for throwing a golf ball around a crowded promenade for his poodle to fetch!

Grinning inanely he apologised. His words told me he regretted the incident, but his tone assured me that if common riff-raff like me and my family had not been cluttering up his promenade this type of thing would never happen! He then strode off and, putting the golf ball in his pocket, downgraded the exercise to throwing a tennis ball around a crowded promenade for his poodle to fetch!

Mrs Twit, whose face makeup was apparently applied by a time-served plasterer, was obviously embarrassed by this, and came back to assure me that he really was sorry, that he had never lost control of his golf ball before and pointing out that the promenade was much more crowded than it had been in the winter when he had first taken up the sport.

We later spotted him chatting to the crew of an ambulance parked on the promenade. Maybe they follow him around to collect the victims of his ball-throwing antics.

Sunday 29th July 2007 – HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JESSICA!

As usual, I took the girls to Church, then we all headed straight to Widnes in order to celebrate my niece – Jessica – becoming of age. Is it really eighteen years since she was born? John (my brother), partially obscured by a cloud of smoke, was cooking strange greasy pink things on a barbecue in the garden. We ate them anyway. Then I discovered a cool-box full of bottles of lager and thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon. Cheers, Jess!

Saturday 28th July 2007 – GOOD MANORS!

Having noticed a strong smell of anti-freeze inside the car, and noticing that the windows actually steamed up when the demister was activated, I investigated further. I discovered the water level was alarmingly low and the carpet below the dashboard was now wet enough to grow rice. Yes, there was a leak from the pipe that led to the heater. With a trip to Widnes planned for tomorrow and one to Bridlington two days later, consternation reigned. Fluttering her eyelashes as only she can, Samantha phoned Manor Garage and told them the tale. Melted by her beauty and charm, they told her to bring the car down straight away. An hour later she was back, with a quote of £170 for a repair, but the heroes at Manor Garage had effected a temporary bypass to the heating system so our travels could take place. However, they warned us that if we were to have freezing weather conditions this week, the heaters would not blow warm!

This is not the first time Manor Garage has sorted our lives out. If you have vehicular problems in the Dewsbury area we can recommend them. (01924 469906).